Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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huge if true: the moon
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???