I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
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have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Always a housemaid, never a house.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*offers Batman cough drops*
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.