[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
🤣✨#caturday
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
i’m sure it’s fine
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.