Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Has there ever been a more American story?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you