One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
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*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn