What did this chicken ever do to them?? ๐๐๐
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your nameโฆit’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I call my job โWorkleโ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if itโs wide use 3
fingers,make sure itโs wet and
rub up and down. Yep thatโs how
you wash a cup.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. weโre ready.
Listen, Iโm one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried eggโฆ
With that said, scrambled it is.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I feel like Iโd do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: itโs time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I donโt think so
Me: who asked you?!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and itโs great. Being in the mob looks super fun, canโt wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell