Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.