Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.