2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.