After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time