[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Watermelon Boss!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.