At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
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satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅