If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE