[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
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Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
My time has come.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know