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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.