She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
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I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
i prefer mine room temperature.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…