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You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed