My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Incredible customer service.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.