me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt