Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Thoughts
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.