Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”