You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.