[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
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Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Bootstraps
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.