Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
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Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
house sitting!
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.