I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Worlds greatest photobomb
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
#Caturday
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how