[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
omg leave her alone
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?