Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that