“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”