Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
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when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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How wrong was this guy?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
A classic…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.