Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
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If only
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
never ask a starfish for directions
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle