Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I’m awake but I object,
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents