My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
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Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.