“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
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Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.