*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter