Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.