Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.