If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food