in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes