Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
look at me when i’m typing to you
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets