“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”