“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife