Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Ugh
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
A friend sent me this.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.