Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
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If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
You’ll be OK
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Why is no one talking about this?!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.