I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad