Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
no
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Proofread twice, hang posters once
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”