Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
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I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”