My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
You Might Also Like
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”