No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Stick it to the man
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting