[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
You Might Also Like
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.