I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
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If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.